Today is a not so bad day.. work wasn't so heavy, still alright.. just that I seemed to be falling sick.. maybe because of my emotions being down, my health seems to be going down hill..
I have thought that I am still able to mask my emotions well.. by smiling and joking in my work area.. but it seems that I was wrong.. My friends and manager seems to be able to see thru me.. They seem to be able to see my heart bleeding.. At times, I would feel the urge to cry, but no tears will come to me.. I seem to have lost my tears.. Now I understood what M said to me last time.. He said that he was unable to cry, no matter how sad he is.. and that being able to cry is better than having no tears at all.. this is how i feel now..
It is probably time for me to kill off my emotions.. though i seriously wonder if i kill off my emotions this time.. will it ever come back again? It would be an easier life.. but a boring life without meaning bah.. time of choice again.. Haha~ I wonder how..
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
27th Jan 2010...
Hmm.. Nothing to do all day, even though i keep on practicing my keyboard, there doesn't seem to be any progress at all.. My heart does not even seems to be in place.. Its drifting I know.. Though I seem to be okay outside, I myself wonder how is my heart now on the inside? I know that it may be starting to recover, but recovery is hard. I do not even want to look at it now, cause i fear of feeling the pain that is in me will surge out if i touch or so much as look at it..
M suggested me to go make a name for myself overseas.. And I'm seriously considering to go.. But my heart is still somewhere here I know.. even though I dun want to admit it.. But I know that I must make a decision soon.. I can't be dangling myself in the air for long.. I have to move on.. Yet I hope.. Hope that W will indeed grow more and come to chase me soon.. Though it feels kinda impossible.. The most dumb thing is that W never thought to ask me to let him grow along side me.. I have never expected him to change right away, but since we always never talked what is really needed inside our hearts, he will never know this.. and he will never understand me..
If only our communication is better, perhaps both of us will not be in pain.. He said that I'm the 2nd person who allowed him to feel such pain.. but if he does love me so much, why did he not fight? Its not that he dunno how i felt for him.. but he wallowed in self pity.. compared himself to M when M is not in the picture at all.. M is a person who changed my life, made me who I am today.. without M, It is impossible for W to like me after we met again in such long time.. Cause I will be a pathetic, whining girl who is depress and thinks lousy of herself and sees no future ahead.. That's me before.. and M took that pathetic excuse of a girl and turn her into one that can stand alone and survive in this world.. So yes, M is an important, irreplacable person to me.. But the thing is, no one is replacable for me.. the same goes for W, not replacable..
I'll make my decision after I go to the fair on the 4th of feb.. and once I've decided.. Its probably really a full stop for me and W bah.. might not come back to sg liao.. 2 years in Japan, den from there I'll see how things go.. Maybe continue to stay in Japan, or fly somewhere else.. I'll leave things in God's hands now.. for in mine, its a hell lot of mess..
M suggested me to go make a name for myself overseas.. And I'm seriously considering to go.. But my heart is still somewhere here I know.. even though I dun want to admit it.. But I know that I must make a decision soon.. I can't be dangling myself in the air for long.. I have to move on.. Yet I hope.. Hope that W will indeed grow more and come to chase me soon.. Though it feels kinda impossible.. The most dumb thing is that W never thought to ask me to let him grow along side me.. I have never expected him to change right away, but since we always never talked what is really needed inside our hearts, he will never know this.. and he will never understand me..
If only our communication is better, perhaps both of us will not be in pain.. He said that I'm the 2nd person who allowed him to feel such pain.. but if he does love me so much, why did he not fight? Its not that he dunno how i felt for him.. but he wallowed in self pity.. compared himself to M when M is not in the picture at all.. M is a person who changed my life, made me who I am today.. without M, It is impossible for W to like me after we met again in such long time.. Cause I will be a pathetic, whining girl who is depress and thinks lousy of herself and sees no future ahead.. That's me before.. and M took that pathetic excuse of a girl and turn her into one that can stand alone and survive in this world.. So yes, M is an important, irreplacable person to me.. But the thing is, no one is replacable for me.. the same goes for W, not replacable..
I'll make my decision after I go to the fair on the 4th of feb.. and once I've decided.. Its probably really a full stop for me and W bah.. might not come back to sg liao.. 2 years in Japan, den from there I'll see how things go.. Maybe continue to stay in Japan, or fly somewhere else.. I'll leave things in God's hands now.. for in mine, its a hell lot of mess..
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