28th Jan 2010

Today is a not so bad day.. work wasn't so heavy, still alright.. just that I seemed to be falling sick.. maybe because of my emotions being down, my health seems to be going down hill..

I have thought that I am still able to mask my emotions well.. by smiling and joking in my work area.. but it seems that I was wrong.. My friends and manager seems to be able to see thru me.. They seem to be able to see my heart bleeding.. At times, I would feel the urge to cry, but no tears will come to me.. I seem to have lost my tears.. Now I understood what M said to me last time.. He said that he was unable to cry, no matter how sad he is.. and that being able to cry is better than having no tears at all.. this is how i feel now..

It is probably time for me to kill off my emotions.. though i seriously wonder if i kill off my emotions this time.. will it ever come back again? It would be an easier life.. but a boring life without meaning bah.. time of choice again.. Haha~ I wonder how..

27th Jan 2010...

Hmm.. Nothing to do all day, even though i keep on practicing my keyboard, there doesn't seem to be any progress at all.. My heart does not even seems to be in place.. Its drifting I know.. Though I seem to be okay outside, I myself wonder how is my heart now on the inside? I know that it may be starting to recover, but recovery is hard. I do not even want to look at it now, cause i fear of feeling the pain that is in me will surge out if i touch or so much as look at it..

M suggested me to go make a name for myself overseas.. And I'm seriously considering to go.. But my heart is still somewhere here I know.. even though I dun want to admit it.. But I know that I must make a decision soon.. I can't be dangling myself in the air for long.. I have to move on.. Yet I hope.. Hope that W will indeed grow more and come to chase me soon.. Though it feels kinda impossible.. The most dumb thing is that W never thought to ask me to let him grow along side me.. I have never expected him to change right away, but since we always never talked what is really needed inside our hearts, he will never know this.. and he will never understand me..

If only our communication is better, perhaps both of us will not be in pain.. He said that I'm the 2nd person who allowed him to feel such pain.. but if he does love me so much, why did he not fight? Its not that he dunno how i felt for him.. but he wallowed in self pity.. compared himself to M when M is not in the picture at all.. M is a person who changed my life, made me who I am today.. without M, It is impossible for W to like me after we met again in such long time.. Cause I will be a pathetic, whining girl who is depress and thinks lousy of herself and sees no future ahead.. That's me before.. and M took that pathetic excuse of a girl and turn her into one that can stand alone and survive in this world.. So yes, M is an important, irreplacable person to me.. But the thing is, no one is replacable for me.. the same goes for W, not replacable..

I'll make my decision after I go to the fair on the 4th of feb.. and once I've decided.. Its probably really a full stop for me and W bah.. might not come back to sg liao.. 2 years in Japan, den from there I'll see how things go.. Maybe continue to stay in Japan, or fly somewhere else.. I'll leave things in God's hands now.. for in mine, its a hell lot of mess..

30 Novermber 2009

As usual a retrospective record of events..

I woke up early today and got ready to head for my operation.. I was anxious and abit worried.. haha.. its my first time getting an operation done.. worse of all, my friends are like delightfully filling my brain with the horrorful images of me post operatively.. -_-" anyway.. I reached NDC 30mins earlier for my appointment.. after registration, I was told to wait in the waiting area, had my weight taken, changed into OT gown, had the anaesthestist checked my health status, the doctor took my consent and off they left me to wait for my operation again..

they showed me the bed or rather the trolley I'll rest on after my operation.. Since I did not sleep much the night before, I fell asleep while waiting for my turn to go in for the operation..

The staffs at NDC are all quite nice.. the anaethestist was like pretty senior too i guess.. he set an IV cannual on my left hand.. when he was abt to poke me, he got one of the nurses to hold my hand down.. -_-" as if I will struggle.. come on lah.. If I move, the needle get out of vein, I'll have to be poked again.. I'm not that dumb and also.. its not that painful anyway.. just an ant bite..

funny thing was.. the anaethestist told me that the medication he inject into me will make me feel hot.. but it actually make me feel cold.. -_-" i remember freezing before i even go for my operation.. lol.. the nurse who was using the oxygen mask on me must be junior.. cause she didn't even know how to wear it properly on me.. it was leaking at my nose bridge area.. lol..

anyway.. i went to sleep or rather.. i was sedated.. when i woke up, the operation was done.. i was pushed to the recovery area.. I heard the anaethestist calling my name and i opened my eyes.. man.. when they did my parameters.. i was shock at what i see.. my heart rate was over 100.. lol.. never did it beat so fast before.. my bp too was high.. 127/84.. -_-" my usual bp is barely 100/60 loh.. HR usually 65 nia.. Dotz..

anyway, i was clear headed the moment i woke up at the recovery, since i wasn't able to talk due to numbness.. I answered the anaethestist questions with hand signals.. not long after, i was sent back to the waiting area.. or rather resting area.. when i see the nurse coming to me, first thing i said was.. i need the toilet.. lol.. bladder full.. man.. *n_n*

so paiseh loh.. as a nurse, i often send patient to the toilet.. this time.. its my turn someone send me to the toilet.. *blush* somemore having a person see me do my business.. man.. its so embarrassing.. i managed to do it with as much dignity as possible and well.. i walked out of the ladies without being held on by the nurse.. after resting awhile, i made my way to the toilet again to change my own clothes and rest back on the bed.. later the nurse came to remove my IV cannual.. see liao abit sian.. my vein abit haema.. -_-" but oh well.. nvm.. that happens off and on.. I waited for my dad.. den he grab my meds for me and later i was discharged home.. I was so hungry.. but cannot eat due to pain.. only managed to drink soup and ate icecream.. am told to avoid hot food for 6days at least.. if not my operation site will bleed.. sian.. have to wait till food cool down to room temperature den can eat.. and somemore can only eat soft diet.. T_T

after dad send me home, i went for a bath and took a nap.. sleepy or shd I say drowsy.. later in the night, I saw M online.. he asked me for a favor.. said he needed me to talk to his gf.. I was drowsy still and tactically speaking.. i shd stay at home and in bed.. but M dun always ask me for favours unless he really needs it.. so.. yeah.. i obliged..

so i went out to meet him and his gf and we talked awhile.. den I chase M off.. lol.. so that his gf can open up and talk to me.. Girls talk.. yeah.. =p lol.. anyway.. the end result was.. I managed to help them with their problem and his gf was happy after that.. I went home tired and sian.. sian because of dear.. sometimes I just find him so diaoz.. haiz.. dun feel like talking abt it liao.. I'll end here..

11 NoVeMbEr 2009

Hee.. this is a retrospective record of yesterday's event.. =p

Today is my rest day, I was awaken by 'P.Y's sms.. -_-" sickening boy.. forgotten that i am a light sleeper den come sms me so early in the morning.. End up i got out of bed and cannot sleep liao.. haha.. Anyway.. he's sms is asking me to bring my bf out for him to see one day lah.. Again wanna see how his jie fu gonna look like in person.. lol.. aiya.. but 'P.Y' probably no chance to see him de lah.. =p since dear usual work till almost 8pm..

So a boring day started.. I spent today playing games, doing household chores, searching for my song~ (wee.. am so happy to find my song.. )and rewatch a movie i watched in year 1996, meet my godbro- 'G' to get my badminton racket.. (end up the racket i got is not mine.. belongs my ex.. -_-" so diao.. gotta meet my ex one of these days to get it from him ), MSNing and lastly iron uniform..

'P' asked me wanna watch movie? i thought he really mean it.. lol.. so i ask him what movie, end up he disturb me nia.. he's always so diao.. lol.. anyway, i was chatting with 'J.W' when 'P' asked the question, so 'J.W' asked me if i going.. to the movie with my colleague.. i told him i see what movie it is first.. den if i really going den i'll tell 'W' first.. gotta inform my dear mah.. as a respect to our relationship.. plus, i dun like to leave room for any suspicion for unfaithfulness.. and since i'm the kinda person who like to make things clear to others that i am out of bounds, i told 'P' that if really wanna go watch movie i gotta ask my dear for permission first.. lol.. but i dun think 'W' will dun allow me to go lah.. My ex pei me eat dinner dear is also alright with it, so watching movie with guy colleagues should be fine too bah?

'J.W' commented that 'W' and I together not long, can dun meet up frequently is not bad.. but actually.. for me, i would like to see dear more often.. just that i dun like to mian qiang him and also since he work till quite late so he's probably tired after work.. So like that loh.. kinda find that i miss him more nowadays.. hmm..

After dear off work, he called me.. hehe.. so we talked on the phone.. while i was ironing my uniform.. -_-" lol.. its abit hard to listen phone while ironing clothes especially with my neck stiffiness and pain, but i manage lah.. initally strain abit.. den i go find my head set to use.. but its nice to hear his voice.. so xin ku abit still okay lah.. My hp almost tiao lou.. if my hp spoil liao, i will xin tong de.. T-T but good thing I manage to save it.. phew~ =p I like my hp.. convenient and can do lots of things on it.. only down side is the battery die on me very fast due to my siao usage.. =p

haha.. anyway.. we talk on the phone lah.. den he got one part use loud speaker.. den i can't hear him.. next thing he tell me was he's changing clothes.. ask me wanna see or not.. *>_<* siao one.. ask me tiko question.. lol.. but he strip i see also shouldn't be a prob bah.. lol.. since i'm a nurse.. i see guys from head to toe before.. so.. shouldn't be a prob.. i think.. haha.. but i kinda think he probably will turn red first if i look at him change clothes.. since he say he's the shy kinda guy.. it might be fun to see his reaction.. =p *grins*

hmm.. pretty late le.. gotta stop here liao.. gotta prepare to go for work.. *n_n*

9 NoVeMbEr 2009..

Hmm.. Today I had a very busy day at work.. A whole lot of work that seems never ending.. The good thing was that I have another colleague helping me.. So.. It wasn't so bad except that my gastric pain came back due to stress and hunger.. haha.. I still manage to get some time to go for my break.. but a bit late lah.. so gastric still pain after eating..

When its time to off work, the rain was pouring outside.. sian.. such a heavy rain.. sure kenna wet de.. and I did get drenched in the rain despite the fact that I walked along the sheltered pathways to get to the mrt station.. T-T meow~ *a soaked cat..*

hehe.. now I'm at home after a nice warm bath.. relaxing and waiting to go out to meet my primary school friends.. hehe.. nice.. haha.. I hope the rain dun come pouring down on me again.. LOL.. I shall end here for now..

UnTiTlEd...

Hehe.. Its a super long time since my last posting on my blog.. Hmm.. Lol.. I suddenly feel that its high time for me to start blogging again, so i did.. =P One probably wonder why my blog for today is titled: untitled.. Lol.. simply because I can't think of a title for it.. =p

Anyway.. I had a busy day at work as usual.. Probably because I have not recovered fully from my recent sickness, I was feeling more tired than usual.

I got home, freshen up and relax myself with watching animes before heading out to fetch dear.. Since he end work 7 plus, I had a some time to nuah abit at home.. o(n_n)V

After meeting him, dear pei me to suntec's DM archery.. Dispite being tired from work, he stood there patiently while watching me play.. I asked him once if he would like to try archery, but his response was he rather shoot real guns.. LOL~! My body stamina was really lousy today, I only manage to shoot 3 sets when I used to be able to go on to my 5set of arrows.. =(

When I'm done with it, we walked back to the mrt station.. When.. Haha.. A funny thing happened~! I forgot my way back to the mrt station, my gosh.. I was lost!!! The worst part was that I did not realise it until dear ask me where do I intend to go.. LOL~ The usual lah~ my sense of direction is really bad.. I told him that I was thinking of going to the mrt station, and also about my bad sense of direction when he told me his sense of direction is not too good as well.. LOL.. "Si bei jia lat~like that how sia?" these thoughts appeared in my head while I was listening to dear telling me how he usual take cab when he do not know how to get to certain places. Well, the good thing was we manage to find our way fast, so.. haha.. not so bad lah..

We got to the mrt station and took a rebound train home.. While waiting for the train I was feeling rather exhausted, so I laid my head on his shoulder to rest.. When in the train i asked him isn't he tired? don't he want to rest? He said it is alright and told me to rest instead, so I laid my head down again to rest on his shoulders for awhile.. He pat my thigh to get me to rest, hehe.. this reminds me of the time when I was very young.. My mother used to pat me to sleep too.. It feels quite nice to be pampered by him.. I didn't rest for long though.. haha.. I was worried that I might power rest too much and thus be unable to sleep tonight.. So we talked abit here and there about the news that we saw on the newspaper a stranger was reading.. And also my blood sucking habits~! LoL.. Cannot blame me mah.. My profession requires me to draw other pple's blood, so when I look at pple, I naturally look at their fat juicy veins.. yum yum~ haha..

Anyway, dear sent me home before heading home himself.. I've noticed that he have always sent me home despite being tired himself and that he is always concern when I'm not feeling well.. Some guys out there arh do not notice the things about their girl, I am lucky that mine notice and care for me.. hehe.. *(n_n)* He's always sweet and makes me laugh and smile alot too.. He makes me feel really happy from the inside.. Its been a really long time since I was this happy le.. =D

Not long after I reached home, I received my Kor's phonecall.. Was just talking to someone online and I said I did not speak or sms kor today.. And.. Speak of the devil~! the Devil called.. LOL~! Chat with him for an hour thirty mins or so.. He's having some relationship problems.. Somehow my guy buddies seems to always have women problems.. Haiz.. Are we women so difficult to understand? Oh well.. As the saying goes.. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.. =(>_<)=

Hmm.. Very late liao.. I'm heading to bed liao.. Nitez~!